Fear – it is a universal companion in life, even for us men. But how do we deal with it, and what role does it play in our lives?
Fear: a natural and useful companion
Fear is not a weakness, but a mechanism that protects us. From a biological point of view, it ensures that we are more alert and capable of acting in dangerous situations. The interaction of cortisol and adrenaline activates our energy – perfect for preparing us to fight or flee.
Socially, however, fear plays a different role: it helps us adhere to norms and rules in order to avoid punishment or exclusion. In healthy doses, this promotes harmonious coexistence and the preservation of social values.
When Fear Becomes a Hindrance
Fear becomes problematic when it prevents us from doing what is right for us – without there being a real threat behind it. This is caused either by beliefs (dogmas) or unpleasant/bad experiences in the past, including trauma. We quickly project a diffuse fear onto external circumstances: whether it’s the worry of talking to a woman, the fear of rejection at work, or a spider in the wrong place.
Here it is worth pausing and taking a closer look:
- Is there a real danger? Perhaps physical or in the form of a breach of social norms? Then fear is a valuable protective mechanism.
- Or is it old patterns? Experiences from the past can still block us today. Often our “inner child” is afraid – something we as adults are called upon to integrate.
Cultural influences and images of masculinity
Many of us grew up with an image of masculinity that equates strength with invulnerability. Feelings such as fear were long considered “unmanly.” But to be truly strong, we must face our fears. Recognizing them and feeling the emotions hidden behind them is the first step in breaking this conditioning.
What happens when we avoid fear?
- We lie to ourselves (“Oh, I’m not really interested in that pretty woman”).
- We project our fear as an apparent threat onto the outside world (“That guy looks so grim, he must want to hurt me”).
- Risk of a depressive attitude towards the world (“I can’t do that anyway – as a way of avoiding the fear of failure”).
- Others sense that we are not being authentic (Nice Guy Syndrome).
- If we habitually ignore fears in general, we run the risk of not perceiving real fears (biological, social) and thus not being able to take advantage of life-enhancing aspects (example: subway surfing).
- We hinder our own development as men. Where there is fear, there is the way!
- When we avoid unpleasant feelings, we also dim the pleasant feelings and thus reduce our enjoyment for life.
What are some ways to deal with fear?
- Feel everything, especially the unpleasant feelings—don’t avoid them!
- (Trauma) therapy
- Any setting in which fear is addressed and in which you are not devalued for your fear (true friends, men’s circles, coaching, mentoring…).
How do you deal with fear in a helpful way?
In order to face your fears, you must perceive and feel them. If you find this difficult, seek out a supportive environment that will help you get in touch with this part of yourself.
- Allow yourself to feel the fear. This opens the door to recognizing the cause of the fear.
- Examine your fear rationally: Is the threat real or just in your imagination?
- Question old beliefs: Which beliefs limit your options for action without protecting you?
- Act despite and with your fear: Take the first step—sometimes it’s enough to “count to three and go.” We often find that the fear was greater than the actual challenge.
- If the fear is the result of an old experience, give yourself space to feel the pain hidden behind it in order to integrate this part of your past and disempower it in the present.
Every fear contains mental energy waiting to be released. Every fear you overcome allows you to grow and makes you stronger and freer to live your own truth.
